D'oh!
The Queen will be held without bail
until the sample is returned from the lab.
And now it's time for "That's Kent-ertainment!"
Here's a story that gives new meaning
to the words "puff piece."
Springfield natives Cheech and Chong
are returning in triumph for a reunion show.
Cheech and Chong are coming back to Springfield?
Cheech and Chong are from Springfield?
Lucy and Desi are getting a divorce?
Before they formed their "joint" partnership,
Tommy Chong and Richard "Cheech" Marin
briefly worked as Channel 6 meteorologists.
Tomorrow, a high-pressure front
brings a strong possibility of drizzle.
Then, the doobie of destiny changed their lives forever,
when police burned marijuana seized
from the Buddy Rich Orchestra in a nearby lot.
So, you know, uh, check your barometer,
thermometer, anemometer...
Why does everything have to have an "ometer" on it?
And what is rain, man?
It's like we're in the apartment under God
and his fat sister overflowed the tub.
The duo's herbal ha-has led to a series
of successful albums, concerts, movies and Nash Bridges.
Now these homegrown heroes will kick off their summer tour
at Squidport's new amphitheatre,
the Clamphitheater, the $800 million boondoggle
based on nothing more than a cute play on words.
Who the hell are Cheech and Chong?
Bart, Cheech and Chong
were the Beavis and Butthead of their day.
Who are Beavis and Butthead?
I've failed as a parent.
I swore the day my son was born
he would appreciate stoner comedy.
To the media room!
Open up. It's the police.
Oh, man. I got to get rid of my grass.
He's flushing his pot down the toilet... unnecessarily!
Back then, we'd play these albums again and again
till they were filled with skips and clicks and pops.
Which was about three times.
These are comedy albums?
The Noisy Minority.
The Upside-Down Bubblegum Collective.
The Regional Lampoon.
The Plymouth Grok Experiment.
Fro And Flo.
Allan Sherman's Helter Shmelter.
What are you guys doing up there?
Hide the dope!
We don't have any dope.
Then, what did I just smoke?
Lou, I want you to confiscate these brownies.
There's no drugs in these brownies.
I said "confiscate"!
Uh, also confiscate me a T-shirt, uh triple-XL.
I thought you said double-XL was a real wake-up call.
That was for pants.
Ladies and gentlemen, Krusty the Clown.
Thank you.
When they asked me to introduce Cheech and Chong,
I said, "How much?"
And they said, "We don't pay for introductions,"
so I said, "Then I don't need this crummy gig."
And they said, "Yes, you do," and I said...
"Ladies and gentlemen, Cheech and Chong!"
Who is it? It's me, Dave, man.
Open up. I got the stuff.
I thought they'd do bits,
but their most famous bit?
Will you open up? I got the stuff with me.
Ooh, he's gonna say "Dave's not here."
Dave's not here! Dave's not here!
Say the line, man.
They already know the line.
What's the surprise?
What's the point?
The point is they still give us
a shoebox full of 20s to do this.
Now, say it.
Dave's not...
Dave's not gonna sell out anymore, man.
I-I can't say it.
What are you doing, man?!
What am I doing? What am I...
I'm experimenting, man.
I'm growing as an artist, okay?
That's not the Cheech and Chong brand.
Brand? Brand?
I'm a 72-year-old man.
I've eaten eggs every which way they cook 'em.
I can't play it safe anymore.
Look, these people pay good money to see "Dave's not here."
You owe them "Dave's not here."
Well, how about this?
Chong's not here, man.
Oh, no.
Chong is refusing to fall back
on his old catchphrases.
Ay, caramba.
Homie, you know all the bits.
Maybe you could help him.
I can't do reefer comedy. I'm drunk.
Two different animals.
Homer Simpson, that man's albums
have given you decades of entertainment
and seen you through some very square times.
Help him.
Dave's not here, man.
No, man, I'm Dave.
D-A-V-E.
Dave?
That's right. Now open up the door.
Dave's not here, man.
You find this funny, sir?
Just because it's too hip for you, Smithers...
I'll give Dave your message.
I don't find this funny at all.
My time being wasted was not wasted.
Hey, man, you're all right.
How'd you like to be the new Chong?
Yes.
Will I get to meet Dave?
There is no Dave.
How about Don Johnson?
It would be easier to meet Dave.
It is so cool for you to let me go on tour with Cheech.
And remember, on the road, the only vice
you can indulge in is gluttony.
Save lust and rage for me and the kids.
Sweetie, don't worry.
I'm gonna come back so horny and angry.
Aw...
I can't believe I'm riding around in Cheech's van.
The van made of weed.
It's not made of weed.
Oh. What's it made of?
Hash? 'Shrooms?
Lysergic acid diethylamide?
No. The van is just made of van.
Oh...
Look, Homer, I really need you
to be on your game, you know?
A lot of our fans have gone through rehab,
so they're much more critical.
Don't worry, Cheech.
I know all the classic bits of you and Chong.
Don't say that name. Now, you drive.
I have to go black out his face
on some T-shirts with a Magic Marker.
Can we get high from the fumes?
No!
Okay, man, what I'm looking for in a new Cheech
is someone who is, like, open-minded and adventurous.
I haven't decided about the mustache yet,
but you need your own suspenders.
Snap, snap.
Our friendship died with the first snap,
and you buried it with the second.
You ever notice how your nose makes boogers?
What's up with that?
Uh, next?
I can't pay the rent.
You must pay the rent.
I can't pay the rent.
You must pay the rent.
I'll pay the rent.
My hero.
Aw, who am I kidding? I don't got the money.
Ooh... Next?
Zoom.
I am your substitute teacher,
Sister Mary Elephant.
Class, attention, attention,
class, class. Shut up.
Thank you.
Uh, no, man.
No routines from the old regime.
Really? But Sister Mary's no-nonsense attitude
is what inspired me to become an educator.
Just let your freak flag fly, man.
Well, I guess as long as I fold it afterward
and don't display it at night...
Oh, perhaps I should improvise, or do an improv?
I want you to reinvent the wheel.
No, de-invent the wheel.
No.
"Re-unvent the whool."
Oh, I'll get my prop trunk.
A lot of people have cell phones,
but I like to eat healthy,
So I invented... the celery phone.
Hello? Hello?
Wow. You are the un-funniest man I've ever seen.
Which means, teaming up with you
would be totally pushing the envelope.
Mother, how did you get this number?
It's a prop phone.
Yes, I have your celery.
I took the limpest stalk there was.
Stop it. Stop riffing.
The gig is yours.
Time to finally return your father's overdue movies.
Is it really okay to just drop them into the pit
where the Blockbuster used to be?
Got a better idea?
Um, hello.
I'm Marge Simpson.
I think I've given you money a couple of times.
No, no, no, no, no, no. I don't want the money back.
I just came for my dog.
Easter grass, Cable Ace Awards,
aquariums full of broken pinball game parts,
popped but uneaten Jiffy Pop still in the silver bubble,
sample-sized shampoos, detergents and whiskeys, and...
I hate to say this about the Cat Lady,
but I think she's crazy.
She's a hoarder.
This is so sad.
Can we help her?
We can. It'll be great.
Like a reality show without the cameras.
You mean, just reality.
Yeah, that's what you think.
Cut, print, mail to NBC.
Cheech and Chong has lost its Chong
I am the Chong now
Take a little look
Take a little look at me-e.
That's funny, Homer.
Now we really have to work on the show.
Oh, yeah, I get you... "Work on the show."
Maybe we should start at 4:20, right?
Marijuana reference!
Yeah, I got it.
Listen, man, comedy is hard work.
Hard work? I thought this was gonna be fun.
It is fun!
The fun is the knowledge that our audience gets
a good value for their hard-earned dollar!
Cheech is sure a lot less cool than I imagined
Stop that!
Better shut up
Cheech is really mad
I wish that I had gone with Cho-ong.
Now, we've managed to preoccupy the cat lady
for the next few hours.
Memory
All alone in the moonlight
I can smile at the old days
I was beautiful then...
Ah, so beautiful!
Thank you, Marge.
Thank you for clearing the clutter from my house
and my mind.
Haul away, driver man!
Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait!
A perfectly good hot lather dispenser.
I can't count the number of times
Homie's cried in anguish over his lukewarm lather.
Ooh, a pen from the Milwaukee Hilton!
A phone answering machine from the '80s!
Nobody's home!
All of J.D. Salinger's books,
except Catcher In The Rye!
Used pizza protectors!
Ooh!
She's crazy, but I'd do her.
Hey, Sister? Hey, Sister? Class!
I got to go to the can, man.
Shut up!
You did all right, kid.
You earned a reward.
Oh, yeah.
A reward from Cheech.
Yes, I am the victim of a Basketball Jones
Ever since I was a little baby
I always be dribblin'
In fact
I was de baddest dribbler in the whole neighborhood
Then one day, my mama bought me a basketball
And I loved that basketball
I took that basketball with me everywhere I went
That basketball was like a basketball to me
I even put that basketball underneath my pillow
Maybe that's why I can't sleep at night
I need help, ladies and gentlemens
I need someone to stand beside me
I need, I need someone to set a pick for me
At the free-throw line of life
Someone I can pass to
Someone to hit the open man on the give-and-go
And not end up in the popcorn machine
So, cheerleaders, help me out
Basketball Jones
I got a Basketball Jones
Oh, that sounds so sweet
I got a Basketball...
Homer?
Homer! Hmm?
Here's your reward.
What the...?! Yeah.
I'm taking you to a museum, man.
Chong and I used to come here all the time.
Oh! Why aren't you exactly like your stage persona?
Now Homer, this Viramontes image is an example
of how Chicano poster art preserves a culture ignored
by Eurocentric society.
Eurocentric! Oh!
When do we have wacky adventures?
Ah, that's just the movies, man.
Can we at least get some French fries?
Too high in trans fats.
Stop speaking Spanish.
Ladies and gentlemen, man.
Prepare for comedy
that will murder your expectations
and bury them in a sea of "what?"
with waves of "huh?"
I am Dave.
Dave is here. Man.
Skinner, his dessert menu is funnier than you.
Yeah.
Yes, but I'm funnier than the cocktail napkins.
They're blank, Seymour.
Yes, but there are two "K" sounds in cocktail.
Yes, there are.
So, how was your first day of school?
I met the new principal, Mr. Baumgartner.
He seemed really cool.
When he walked through the gym, he shot a basket.
Who has disturbed my tomb?
Grampa, you're not dead.
Well, wake me when I am.
I never thought I'd say this,
but Dad is the only one who can help us.
Now, Homer, what did we agree
about personal phone calls during rehearsal time?
It's disrespectful to the high standards
people have come to expect from Cheech and Chunk.
That's right. Now let's take it from the part
where we sniff each other's butts.
Yes, sir.
Come on, sniff!
That's a movie sniff.
This is live theater.
Now inhale, damn it.
I'm hearing it, but I'm not feeling it.
Oh!
Ugh! Okay, bus parked. Got to save Marge.
I can't believe the crazy house would throw out all these forks.
Marge, sweetie,
do you know how low, low prices are insane?
Well, sometimes people can be, too.
What are you talking about?
Marge, you saved me.
Now I want to save you.
I'm not a hoarder.
Do the Yankees hoard pennants?
Does Marrakesh hoard intrigue?
Marge, Marge, what can one person
honestly do with...?
Filled-in mini golf score sheets.
European ketchup.
Rolls of "I voted" stickers.
Styrofoam shaped like old computers!
Oh!
Give me!
Oh, lookie, lookie!
Oh! Ooh! Ooh! But...
Don't look back, Marge. Don't look back.
Let's just leave the crazy woman alone in our house.
We've got something more important to attend to.
Uh, we'll deal with all that later.
Baby, wanna ride?
Come on. If Art Garfunkel could forgive that
on talented twarp Paul Simon,
you can do this.
Whatcha do with Chong, man?
He sent me out here, man.
He's got this idea I'm unhappy with my new partner.
I decided to put family over career.
You mean you put nothing over nothing?
Tell him how you feel.
- I feel super high. - Yeah, me too.
Come on, surrender to the moment.
Don't make the mistake I always do.
I'm thinking too much before you act.
I guess people do like the classy bits.
You know, it's...
It's ok if you want to experiment a little...
- Oh, Thomas... - Oh, Richard.
I'm sorry I mocked your lack of suspenders.
I guess I was just jealous of your belt.
This belt has caused too many fights between us.
Hello, mad spirits.
Before we parts, it is I, mischievous and puckish Bart.
T'was not I that players did disturb.
T'was the doings of a grim and naught herd.
The gods have righted every wrong.
Cheech the stoner has his Cho'ong.
And Homer, he is back with mom,
you can watch us tomorrow at Hulu.com.
Who is it?
It's me, Dave, man. Open up, I got the stuff.
- Who? - Dave, man.
Dave's not here.
Hold on, let me get the door here.
- Who are you? - It's Dave, man.
You ruined it, man. You weren't supposed to open the door.
Oh, okay, wait. We start again.
- Close the door. - I'll be out here with you, Dave.
- Hey, Homer, why don't you go and get us some stuff? - Okay.
I'll go get some stuff.
Get down there. Way way way far. Down there.
- Down here? - Yeah, keep going, keep going.
Now turn the corner, turn the corner.
- Okay. Alright. - Now keep going.
- Who is it? - It's me, relieved.
Gee, sorry, Dave.